You’re Engaged. Now What?
A slew of telephone calls, sure; but an engagement party, bridal showers ... nothing? What are you supposed to do to help spread the word and celebrate?
When my fiancé, Chris, asked me to marry him in Central Park while on a trip to New York City in June 2007, my response was “Of course!” Not one for being formal, I thought my answer was sweet and fun, but Chris looked at me nervously, and said, “Does that mean yes?” Of course it meant yes! But there, in the first few microseconds of our engagement, I suppose I was already messing up proper wedding etiquette – and it has only gotten worse.
Case in point: a writer who loves her words, immediately after getting engaged I called or e-mailed everyone I know to share the news, but when it came to planning the various events that engaged couples usually engage in before their wedding, I had no idea what a new-bride-to-be was supposed to do to pre-wedding party correctly. Should we fly to Tulsa so that Chris’ parents could throw us an engagement party even though we don’t know anyone there? Was someone supposed to throw me a shower? Was I supposed to throw me a shower?
To my credit, I was raised a hippie kid in Eugene, Ore., – when my own parents got married, my dad wore a tie-dyed tank-top and had a beard down to his waist, while my mom wore an eyelet sundress that she had made herself. I adore my parents, but experts in formal wedding planning they are not. Luckily, as a writer who specializes in bridal, there are a few people around me who are.
According to Sharon Naylor, author of 35 wedding books, including “The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette,” (Sourcebooks Casablanca, 2005), there aren’t actually any pre-wedding events that couples are required to have. In fact, even the two classic galas – the engagement party and the bridal shower – are changing in form these modern days.
“From informal cocktail parties thrown by friends to help the busy bride and groom entertain out-of-town guests, to small wedding night after-parties hosted by parents so that they can relax within their own circle, we are really starting to make our own rules about events surrounding a wedding,” says Naylor. “In fact, the formal engagement party seems to be falling out of favor, because, now that people live so far apart, couples don’t want to inconvenience their friends by requesting that they travel prior to the wedding.”
As it happens, Chris and I passed on the engagement parties for this very reason; however, I see that they can be done very tastefully if the tradition is meaningful to the families involved. Chris’ younger brother, Brian, is engaged to a wonderful woman, Katie, who is far better versed in wedding-related rituals than I am.
“An engagement party is nice because, seeing that many of the guests are old friends of your fiancé or parents’ friends, you get to meet all these new people who will be a part of your life for the rest of your life,” says Katie. To celebrate her engagement announcement, Katie’s parents, who live in St. Louis, where the wedding will take place, threw a catered party in their backyard, which featured a St. Louis favorite – a Blizzard-like ice cream treat called a “Concrete,” and had volleyball and music. They only invited immediate family, St. Louis friends, a few other folks who could easily travel from nearby and lots of kids. It was casual, intimate and fun – a great way for the two sides of the soon-to-be-new family to connect.
And very much a sign of the times. According to Naylor, many of the events surrounding weddings are becoming more casual and “guest-centric.”
“If a number of guests are bringing their kids, the couple might actually have a big barbeque instead of a traditional rehearsal dinner,” says Naylor. “Base the meal around foods that are regional or personal favorites, such as pizza if you live in Chicago or something special that you ate on your first date. It’s both affordable and a fun twist, especially if the party has a vibe completely opposite to that of the reception.”
In the weeks leading up to the wedding, more brides are also opting to either have a less formal bridal shower, such as a couples’ shower which includes both genders but only close family and friends, or no shower at all, as many people are now getting married later in life and already have many of the household items they need. But if you do choose to have a shower, keep in mind that it’s considered bad etiquette if you or your family formally host the event.
“The first bridal shower should be thrown by the maid or matron of honor, and a bridesmaid,” says Naylor. “Extended relatives can then throw additional showers, if they wish, after the first one.”
As for me, I’m forgoing the classical shower and having a tea party on the day before my wedding instead. Each woman will bring me a teacup of her own choosing, which will not only provide me with 30 or so mismatched teacups, but also a few wonderful hours being girlie with my girlfriends – which is really what a pre-wedding party should be, of course!
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