Here Comes the Bride … and her Mother
When planning a wedding, both bride and her mother have to learn to play nice
It happens within moments of the engagement. The bride-to-be calls her parents excitedly to give them the good news. Her mother crows, “We have a wedding to plan.” Wait a sec, we?
“I think it’s fair to say that people paying often get a healthy say,” says Anna Post, author of Emily Post’s Wedding Parties (Collins Living, 2007), and traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. The solution to a meddling mom, however, is not as simple as cutting off the financial responsibility and thus, mom’s involvement. After all, a mother’s input isn’t just about who’s paying for it, is it?
So, whether a bride and groom are paying for all, part or none of the big event, it stands to reason that the mother-of-the-bride is going to stake her claim on territory that the bride feels she has no business setting up camp in. Arguments will ensue. Feelings will be hurt. Where did the fun of planning go?
Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, a registered marriage and family therapist in Ontario, recommends keeping perspective. “You have two families that are going through the process of creating a third family,” she says. “You’re having a celebration for the beginning of a new family.”
It may be just that fact causing mom so much consternation. In her book,” The A to Z of Wedding Worries … and how to put them right” (How to Books, 2007), Suzan St. Maur notes that weddings are a time of transition, so while this is ultimately a happy time, this passage may also be tinged with sadness for mothers as they grapple with the idea that their daughter is an adult – and capable of taking care of herself.
This may cause a mother-of-the-bride to insert herself into all aspects of planning in order to feel necessary. Or maybe she’s just plain controlling. The keys to working it out are communication and compromise, Post says. “Early and often,” she says. “Communicate on expectations. Who is contributing and how much?”
She also suggests that brides “love every idea for five minutes,” which she discusses in more detail in “Emily Post’s Wedding Parties.” “Give people a chance to express their thoughts and input,” she says. “Don’t commit to anything unless you mean it. Give mom a chance to know she’s been heard. I think that kind of involvement is very key for moms.”
Give her a job, too. Perhaps your mother can handle invitations while you handle photography. Or, invite her to come along to assist with flowers. More than likely, the important thing to your mom is that she’s involved on some level.
Of course, there are exceptions. Tobi-Dawne Yandt’s mother went out and bought her a wedding dress without consulting her. It was non-returnable and Yandt, of Saskatchewan, felt she had no choice but to wear it. “I couldn’t say anything to my mom though,” she says. “I couldn’t hurt my mom like that – to have rejected the dress would have been rejecting her. So I wore it. Wore it and hated it.”
The role of a mother-of-the-bride, according to Post, is to support, offer advice and wisdom, and to help plan the wedding – not take over. “Just because you’re paying, you cannot hold everyone hostage to your will and wishes,” she says. Brides too, however, play their own role in creating conflict. “Just because you’re the bride and it’s your day and wedding, you can’t demand things that truly hurt others and that others can’t pay for or afford.”
So brides, when you hear your mother say, “We have a wedding to plan,” take a deep breath and ask her if you two can sit down and talk about the wedding before it’s too late.
And if all else fails, elope.
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